I'm Still Here

I am writing this October 2, 2010. For me it is a day that marked the dividing line between before and after. The day my husband died of a sudden heart attack. It has now been seven years today since the phone call that changed our lives forever. Seven years? Some day it feels like forever, other days it feels like yesterday. I have a hard time remembering things about Dave like I used to –the memories are like a photograph that has started to fade with time, with gently blurred edges and colors that all being to melt together. Sometimes I hate that, but mostly I think that is a good thing – the raw emotion of the first days, months and years would be hard to sustain for any length of time.

A few weeks ago, I shared about ‘dealing with days’. Today is one of those ‘ days’. But today I am choosing to deal with the day very simply.

I am just going to live.

You see, somewhere along the valley of the shadow of death, I came to a startling realization:

I’m still here. I know, pretty obvious, right?

But if I’m still here, God obviously is not finished with me yet. And He has given me another day to live for Him.

So on this day of unspeakable memories I am going to put extra cream in my coffee and spend some time coloring with my nine-year-old. I am going to take a ridiculously cute puppy named Lola for a long walk and trim a few overgrown bushes. I am going to look up into a blue Florida sky and breathe in deeply. I am going to take my fifteen-year- old daughter on a mommy date to the movies and stay up late talking about boys and stuff. I am going to live.

Yes, there is a time for God led- grieving, time for tears, time for gulps of remembering and feeling a desperate longing for what my kids are missing. But none of that swirling emotion is what I stand on. About the only thing I can possibly stand on at this point is the truth of God’s word.

I don’t have an answer to a lot of life’s why’s, but I do know this: ‘I know in whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have entrusted to Him for that day.” 2 Tim 1:17

I believe Him. He is able.

Because of those facts, we can go on. And live.

In Acts, Paul writes of his journey, “And so I go on, not knowing what will happen to me next but simply being led by the Spirit. Though hardships come my way, yet none of these things move me, neither do I count my life as dear…only that I might finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace”. Acts 20:22-24

Wondering what your purpose is?

It’s right there in that last line- ‘that I might complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace’.

Precious sister, you’re still here.

Just by getting out there and living, you are fulfilling your God given destiny. Your very life is a testimony to the gospel of His grace.

Now go live it.


Anonymous said…
Yesterday was 7 years for me. Just feeling so very lonely. Still missing that man so much. How I miss the life we had. My girls are now in college, and the house is very empty. Just having one of those days.