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Wednesday, December 15, 2010

Dog on the Beach

The sand on the Hawaiian beach was pure white, the sky above a brilliant blue, but with eyes squeezed shut to hold in the tears, I really didn’t’ see much of it. Waves were crashing on the shore but I couldn’t hear much of it above my own sobs. The sand was soft and warm but I only knew that because I kept picking up handfuls and letting it run through my fingers to keep from screaming. It was a perfect Hawaiian day. And I was a perfect mess. In the past six weeks, I had made it through two funeral services for Dave, traveled from Honolulu to Pittsburgh to Tampa and back home to base housing in Hawaii.

Now it was time to pack up the house, move to the mainland with my girls and begin again. I guess leaving the last place we had lived together as a family was one more end of life as a ‘we’. And the beginning of a lot more of ‘I and ‘me’. And that was really, really hard to imagine.

Eventually, though, I reached the end of my sobs and there was a quiet stillness in between the ragged breaths. Kind of a ‘what now?’ sense of expectation.

“Ok, Lord, here we are’, I sniffed. ‘And since it’s just me and you, I really , really , really need to know you are with me’.

Being a dramatic kind of girl, I thought it would be just great if God would show off there on that beach and give me a sign. I mean a SIGN. Like maybe a school of dolphins frolicking in the waves. Or a gorgeous Hawaiian rainbow as a right now sign of His promises. I sat there on the sand with eyes still shut, There weren’t any eloquent prayers, just a whispered ‘Please, Jesus, help me’, and a desperate hope that He would give me what I needed to make it through the next steps of this journey. I felt His peace wash over me and just knew I would open my eyes to see some sort of confirmation.