faithful flipflops

Meltdown @ Magic Kingdom

2011-10-04T10:53:00.032-04:00

This past Sunday was one of ‘those’ days. You know the ones I mean, the anniversary day circled in red on your calendar and around your heart. October 2 marked eight years since Dave had died. Yes, life has gone on, and we are doing well, but there is still something about ‘the day’ that makes me want to mark it in some way, both for me and for my girls.

A trip to Disney – his favorite spot- seemed a great way to remember as well as to escape daily life. The plan was to write messages on a Mickey Balloon to release in front of Cinderella’s Castle (yes, this family of girls is all about the dramatic presentation!)

Then we got to the parking lot…and the meltdown began:

· I realized that our season passes were still in the hotel room. Drip. Drip.

· Waiting to park, we watched a parade of happy families (with daddies still intact) walk by laughing. Drip. Drip.

· So happy to be at the front of a parking line, just before our car, they started a new row…50 cars down . Drip. Drip.

· Add to this not enough sleep, sibling stress, and a momma who hadn’t taken time for quiet time in the morning rush. Drip. Drip.

As the sadness of the past collided with the frustration of the day, tears began to fall. Misty memories quickly avalanched into a big ole ugly cry-fest. It kind of took me surprise – I mean, it’s been eight years after all. Still, there in the parking lot of the ‘happiest place on earth’, we sobbed for what was and what would never be. But as you well know, you can only sob for so long! As the sobs subsided to sniffs, we sat in our quiet car holding hands, whispered a prayer and decided to play the thankful game.

From the 16 year old…well, at least we’re not in the last parking spot!

From the 10 year old…we get to go to Disney today, Daddy would like that.

From me…well, at least it’s not raining, the sun is shining and our Florida weather has finally turned cool.

Two hours later, we stood in front of the castle holding our balloon covered with messages scribbled in silver Sharpee. And as a family we said a prayer and took a deep breath and released it all one more time...the sad…the memories…and the tears; then walked away in the sunshine to ride rides and eat ice cream and live.

That’s the thing about grief, it’s there and it’s real. This whole thing is a process that comes in layers, it’s not like we are ever ‘over’ it. I believe God brings us to a place where we need to face some of those deep emotions. He meets us there, holds us when we cry, then asks us to release it to Him. Again.

And then go out and live the life He has called us to live.

Here is Paul’s perspective: ‘Yes, I will continue to choose to rejoice, for I know that through prayer and the help of Jesus, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance. I eagerly expect and hope that I will have sufficient courage and that now as always, He will be exalted in me’ Phil 1:19-20

How about you? Have you found that your walk through the valley is not always a straight path but more a winding journey of facing and releasing? How have you gotten through your ‘red’ calendar days?

Happy New Year!

2011-09-08T14:35:00.000-04:00

For some reason, to me the New Year always begins in the fall, instead of on January 1. Maybe it’s all those years of ‘back to school’ newness. Seems like a time for new beginnings…not to mention school supplies. It is ridiculous that everyone in my house gets so excited about shopping for school supplies! The smell of a fresh box of crayolas always sends me back to Mrs Claussen’s 2^nd grade.

These days..there are tears mixed in with the excitement of a new school year.

Slow down, I want to holler. Stop growing up so fast.

One daughter is looking for her keys as she gets ready to drive herself to high school. Gulp. Another daughter is telling me thanks, but no thanks, she can put her own hair in a pony tail and really doesn’t need my help. Sigh.

One is nervous about a new high school, new friends and just hoping to find someone to sit with in the lunchroom. The other is returning to a safe, familiar place, excited to see old friends and hug her gorgeous familiar teacher whom she says looks like a Barbie !

After the morning rush of hugs and lunchboxes and prayers and carpool, I return home. It’s quiet for the first time in 12 weeks. I am alone.

Seems like time for some New Year’s resolutions…

In the interest of keeping it simple…here are my top ten for this school year:

Be thank-full. Yes. Just simply thank-full. For air conditioning and grace and flavored coffee creamer and goodnight hugs and raindrops and Jesus and phone calls and good friends and breathing and new flipflops. For two girls and two dogs and one mama who God has molded into a little family, in spite of life. Or maybe because of it! Thank-full.
Listen more than I talk (I see you smiling. Yes, this is hard for me!) Listen to my girls and get beyond ‘fine’ when asking about the school day. Wait for the rest of the story. Listen to friends, really listen, don’t just hear them until time to tell my news or add something relatable.
Pray. Don’t just list my worries. Concentrate on conversation. Take time to listen ( see, more listening!) . Journal more consistently. Be Still and Know Him. Be. Still. And. Know.
Remember how far He has brought us. Place some intentional stones of remembrance to remind myself of His faithfulness. 8 years since Dave died. Moving 6000 miles. Girls growing up. Life moving on. Great is His faithfulness.
Dream big. What is the ‘next right thing’ for this new season of life? Stop the roller coaster for a few minutes and take the time to find out. Be intentional about the life’s next steps.
Exercise. Get outside no matter what the day looks like. Push myself beyond myself. Set goals and then reach for them (Disney Princess Half-Marathon?? Oh my!). Lay in the grass and look up at the sky. Breathe!
Floss. ‘Nuff said. We all need to floss J
Send more cards. Real cards with stamps and everything. E-mails are great, but ,oh, the glory of reaching into the mailbox and finding a hand written note of encouragement.
Cook more. There is something therapeutic about chopping and sautéing and presenting a new dish – ta da! Ps. Feel free to send recipes J . I am so not a kitchen genius.
Relax. Breathe in His peace and savor all of those moments which will never come again. Carpool sharing of secrets and Slurpee stops. Late night teenage talks. Road trip songfests w/ windows down and music blaring. Live today and then go back to #1- Be thankful for whatever it holds.

How about you? Do any of these resonate with you? Do you have any ‘New (school) Year’ resolutions to share?

The Guy on the Corner

2011-07-28T11:57:00.000-04:00

Sunday mornings, there’s a guy on the corner of an intersection not far from my house. His name is Scott. And little by little, one red light at a time, we have become friends.

Scott sells the Sunday paper on that corner. Every week. Rain or shine. Blistering heat or freezing cold, he is there. On our way to church, over the course of the past year, we have brought him coffee when it’s cold and water when it’s hot and an umbrella when it’s pouring. He has given us Christmas cards and Halloween candy. We try to tip big. He smiles a lot. Us, too.

And in the 3 ½ minutes between stoplights, we have forged an unlikely friendship.

He is always cheerful. Always. Standing on a street corner selling papers, the guy is cheerful!

He asks about my girls when someone is not in car. I ask about his grandma who sends him a package each week. We talk about the weather and about the Tampa Bay Bucaneers. He asks about my couponing and I ask about the side jobs he does to help stretch his disability checks.

Last week, he started talking about Kharma. I sat through two whole cycles of the light to share a little of my story and to tell him more of my Jesus. That He is real. And He is faithful. And He is enough.

You know what’s funny? I’ve learned a lot from Scott over the past year. About faithfulness and cheerfulness and commitment to a thankless job. And hopefully, he’s learned a little bit from me as well.

In reading about Jesus, you don’t see him doing a whole lot of planned organized ministry. He simply lived life and as he went on his way, taking the time to touch the lives that were right in front him, unlikely companions or not.

I want to do more of that, don’t you? Sometimes it is hard to look beyond the valley of the shadow that we are walking through to really ‘see’ the people we come across each day. People who are going through their own stuff. People who just may be desperate for a teeny tiny glimpse of Jesus. And to know that He is real, and He is faithful, and He is enough. I have found that in the sharing of my faith, my faith is increased.
Isn’t it funny how that works? And in reaching out to someone else, my own burdens seem just a little bit lighter. How about you? Is there a ‘guy on the corner’ in your life?

Here are three simple ways you can reach out:

Store Clerks – I love, love, love chatting with the older clerks at Walmart. I feel sorry that they are past retirement age and still on their feet all day. Try asking them this: ‘Would you tell me about your first job?’ Postures change, tired faces become animated and there is always a smile!
Waitresses – I have never been a waitress and I so admire the skill it takes to juggle it all – especially during a dinnertime rush. Often, we ask the waitress, ‘ We were just going to bless our meal, is there something we could pray about for you?’ You would be amazed at the response! (another p.s. – don’t ask to pray and then stiff your server, please be a big tipper J )
Lawn/Landscape guys- You see these guys every week- let’s take the time to learn their names and say thanks! And for pete’s sake, offer a glass of cold water- especially if you live in Florida!

Thank you Lord, for the testimony you have entrusted to us. Give us your eyes to see the people who come across our paths each day. Fill us with your compassion to reach out. Give us boldness to share of your faithfulness whether we are on a platform or in the checkout line of the grocery store.

Silence

2011-02-21T08:47:00.002-05:00

There have been times in my life when it felt like God was simply everywhere…every time I pick up my Bible, the Word jumps out at me. My prayer life is vibrant and active – I’m talking and He’s listening and He’s talking and I’m listening. Every time I turn on the radio, the perfect song is playing and I’m instantly in tears. Daily devotional? Yep, right on the money. Phone call from a friend? You guessed it, right on time.

And then there are times like the past few weeks. Times when I pick up my Bible and read and in the middle of my reading my mind has wondered to my grocery list. Times when I hear a song on the radio and know it is a great worship opportunity but I just don’t have it in me. Times when I sit in front of the computer and hope for an encouraging e-mail only to find only a pile of spam messages and solicitations for donations. Times when I am living the Psalmist’s words in Psalm 63 – ‘God you are my God, earnestly I seek you, fervently I long for you in this dry and weary land where there is no water…’

At times like this, the silence is deafening.

The lonely is overwhelming.

Last week in the midst of this season of silence, I decided to go running. Laced up my shoes and turned on my ipod. Now, keep in mind, I am not a RUNNER, I am more of a poser, slowly trying to work my way up to three miles without collapsing. I decided to put my ipod on shuffle and see what came up. The first song was Toby Mac – ‘Jesus Music’, awesome! The second song, Britt Nicole- Glow , ok now I was up to a mile and feeling great.

‘Thank you Lord for this day and this moment,’ I thought, ‘ I know Lord, that you are going to put the perfect song on next to finish this next long stretch’.

I waited- and …..nothing. The silence was deafening. No new song came on. Absolutely nothing was coming from my ipod. And all I could hear was the sound of my footsteps and my ragged intake of breath. Determined to finish my two miles I kept plodding on. Step by step. Breath by breath. And with each huff of breath came these words….

‘God…. Where…Are….You?’ ‘ God… Where… Are… You?’

As I looked up to the heavens there was no audible answer, but I felt His words replace my question with every step:

‘I…am…with…you!’ ‘I…am…with…you!’

Even in the silence. Even on grey days. Even when I feel empty and hear nothing, He is with me.

Back to Psalm 63- the psalmist goes on to say: ‘I have seen you in the sanctuary and I have beheld you power and your glory. Because your loving kindness is better than life, I will choose to life up my hands in your name.

Regardless of what you are feeling today – His promises are true.

Joshua 1:5 says, ‘As I was with Moses, so I will be with you, I will never leave you or forsake you’

Isaiah 43: 2 says, ‘When you pass through the waters, I will be with you. ‘

You see, His presence is not dependent our feelings. It is simply a fact.

I pray that whether you are in a amazing season of revelation or an agonizing season of silence you will hear His gentle whisper….’ I am with you’.

Eternal God – you have been the hope and joy of many generations and are no less to me. In all ages you have given us the power to seek you and the promise of finding you. Grant me, I pray, a clearer vision of your truth, a greater faith in your power, and a more confident assurance of your love. Amen. (John Baillie in a Diary of Private Prayer)

Valentine's Day...

2011-02-14T14:59:00.003-05:00

Ok, so today is Valentine’s Day. In the excitement and adrenaline of preparing to speak at the Awaken conference this past weekend, the whole ‘Happy Valentine’s Day’ thing completely slipped my mind.

And that very thought fills me with such peace that I can barely keep from squealing!

You see, when you are single – whether thrust into it by another’s choice – or slammed into it by loss of a life – or simply always have been ; when you are single, this day of love and candy and love and jewelry and love and candlelit dinners and love and flowers and did I mention love? - this day can be kind of lonely.

This Noah's ark 'two-by-two' holiday parade of celebration can sometimes make you feel awkward and angry and alone. Kind of like a unicorn standing there alone in the rain while the ark sails away.

Last night on Facebook, friends started posting these darling pictures and themselves with their sweeties from the early days…and it just made me giggle. No tears of sadness for what might have been, no thoughts of ‘what about me’, just giggles at their 80’s hair and poufy wedding dresses. Somehow in the past seven years since my Dave died, I have come to a place of peace with all the love swirling around on V-day.

I woke this morning to kisses (from a 4.5 lb puppy), hugs from two perfectly adorable daughters, and balloons and chocolates on my front porch from my carpool BFF.

Then I saw this written on my car window:

'You are Loved'.

So much love...and it wasn't even 7 am yet!

Driving in the car this morning I was given such a Valentine through Jesus’ love songs: ‘He is Jealous for You’ by David Crowder, ‘You’re Beautiful’ by Mercy Me, and ‘Fingerprints of God’ by Steven Curtis Chapman. Love poured over me and into me and through me.

Came home to open His Word to read His words…to me:

The Lord your God is with you,
he is mighty to save.
He will take great delight in you,
he will quiet you with his love,
he will rejoice over you with singing.

Zephaniah 3:17

Wow.

Yes, Jesus loves me. The Bible tells me so.

So whether you are happily married; or married and working on more happy :) , or divorced or separated or single or widowed, I hope you take some time today to stop and spend a few minutes with the One who loved you first.

And then, if you’re still feeling lonely, ask Him to show you someone who just might be lonelier than you. Someone who could use a call or a card or a hug. There’s nothing like reaching out to keep us looking up!

Jesus in the Target dressing room

2011-01-27T14:28:00.006-05:00

The place: Target dressing room….two nights before a family vacation.
The players: One exhausted mama, one hormonal high schooler and one hungry third-grader.
The scene: Trying to find a few key clothing items to take on the upcoming vacation.

The mood: Stress!

Stress between sisters, stress with the shopping experience, stress coupled with feelings of failure that this should have been done sooner, stress over the struggles with sizes and prices, stress of peer pressure and expectations. Not to mention the anticipation of yet another single mom trip and all the details which that entails.

I sat on the floor in the middle dressing room, a daughter on either side of me in their own rooms. Tensions were high and things were not fitting or too pricey or simply just wrong for what we needed.

Needless to say, our collective manna for the day had long since been depleted.

We really should have all been home in comfy pjs, eating soup and listening to something relaxing.

Instead I sat under the unforgiving fluorescent glare fitting room lights hoping for a fashion miracle to emerge from either side of m e.

Siblings with short fuses quickly began to take out their frustrations on each other…and then on their mama. Does that ever happen in your house? I was headed down the slippery slope of a first class mama meltdown when I heard it.

A voice from above.

No, before you get all excited and super spiritual, it wasn’t the Lord…you know the voice, it was the lovely lady from the Target PA system.

“Target team members’ her silky tones inquired, ‘Assistance is needed in the Ladies department…who is responding?

And again she calmly asked, ‘Assistance is needed in the Ladies department…who is responding?’

Funny how I’ve heard that expression hundreds of times during my Target adventures but this time it was personal…. screamed to me: Assistance is needed…who is responding?

Sitting in a dressing room, full of frustration, who is responding?

Faced with pouty children and sulky sales clerks, who is responding?

Feeling sorry for myself and my single-mom life, who is responding?

Is it a tired, cranky mama who just wants to get home?

Or is it the Jesus-loving girl who wants to be a blessing and shine her light, in spite of the current drama life is dishing out?

There are an awful lot of things I can’t control.

But I can choose how I respond.

Colossians 3:12-13 is the best dressing room advice ever: ‘Therefore choose to clothe yourself with compassion, kindness, humility gentleness and patience. Bear with each other in forgiveness. And over all this, put on love.’

Sitting there on the dressing room floor, I came face to face with my own ugly attitude. Sigh.

It was time for one tired cranky mama to step aside. This Jesus girl has got to try some new things on.

I reached up for some compassion and put it on, pulled over some humility and wrapped it around, grabbed some patience and slipped it on for size and covered it all with a giant cloak of love.

And guess what? When mama’s attitude changed, the stress disappeared.

Funny how that works.

Never did find the perfect outfits for vacation.

But it just didn’t seem to matter anymore.

What about you….when life gets messy, who is responding?

Dog on the Beach

2010-12-15T20:22:00.001-05:00

The sand on the Hawaiian beach was pure white, the sky above a brilliant blue, but with eyes squeezed shut to hold in the tears, I really didn’t’ see much of it. Waves were crashing on the shore but I couldn’t hear much of it above my own sobs. The sand was soft and warm but I only knew that because I kept picking up handfuls and letting it run through my fingers to keep from screaming. It was a perfect Hawaiian day. And I was a perfect mess. In the past six weeks, I had made it through two funeral services for Dave, traveled from Honolulu to Pittsburgh to Tampa and back home to base housing in Hawaii.

Now it was time to pack up the house, move to the mainland with my girls and begin again. I guess leaving the last place we had lived together as a family was one more end of life as a ‘we’. And the beginning of a lot more of ‘I and ‘me’. And that was really, really hard to imagine.

Eventually, though, I reached the end of my sobs and there was a quiet stillness in between the ragged breaths. Kind of a ‘what now?’ sense of expectation.

“Ok, Lord, here we are’, I sniffed. ‘And since it’s just me and you, I really , really , really need to know you are with me’.

Being a dramatic kind of girl, I thought it would be just great if God would show off there on that beach and give me a sign. I mean a SIGN. Like maybe a school of dolphins frolicking in the waves. Or a gorgeous Hawaiian rainbow as a right now sign of His promises. I sat there on the sand with eyes still shut, There weren’t any eloquent prayers, just a whispered ‘Please, Jesus, help me’, and a desperate hope that He would give me what I needed to make it through the next steps of this journey. I felt His peace wash over me and just knew I would open my eyes to see some sort of confirmation.

I slowly pried open my swollen eyes to check out the horizon. Nope, no school of dolphins there. I peered up into the sky, squinting to see if maybe, just maybe there was an edge of a rainbow, or a Holy Spirit dove shaped cloud ( I told you I was desperate!). Nope, no rainbow, no dove.

But what was that weird noise? Kind of a huffy sort of wheeze over my right shoulder. I turned and there beside me on the sand was a dog. Not just a dog but a DOG, a big brown furry retriever of some sort. As I cocked my head at him, he took two steps closer and leaned up against me. And sighed. Wet fur and all.

And in that moment I felt like God kind of whispered to my heart,

‘That’s how close I am. Just as close as this wet dog leaning up against you. And we are going into the future together…just that close ‘.

I have thought of that dog so many times over the past few years. And smiled at God’s sense of humor. And marveled at His closeness.

There may not be dolphins and rainbows, but we have the absolute assurance that no matter what happens, and no matter where our journey takes us, He is with us.

Not because we feel He is with us or we sense He is with us but simply because He has promised to be.

With us.

Emmanuel.

God with us.

I love that.

I pray you have a ‘wet dog leaning up against you’ closeness from Jesus today. He’s that close.

I'm Still Here

2010-10-02T20:30:00.003-04:00

I am writing this October 2, 2010. For me it is a day that marked the dividing line between before and after. The day my husband died of a sudden heart attack. It has now been seven years today since the phone call that changed our lives forever. Seven years? Some day it feels like forever, other days it feels like yesterday. I have a hard time remembering things about Dave like I used to –the memories are like a photograph that has started to fade with time, with gently blurred edges and colors that all being to melt together. Sometimes I hate that, but mostly I think that is a good thing – the raw emotion of the first days, months and years would be hard to sustain for any length of time.

A few weeks ago, I shared about ‘dealing with days’. Today is one of those ‘ days’. But today I am choosing to deal with the day very simply.

I am just going to live.

You see, somewhere along the valley of the shadow of death, I came to a startling realization:

I’m still here. I know, pretty obvious, right?

But if I’m still here, God obviously is not finished with me yet. And He has given me another day to live for Him.

So on this day of unspeakable memories I am going to put extra cream in my coffee and spend some time coloring with my nine-year-old. I am going to take a ridiculously cute puppy named Lola for a long walk and trim a few overgrown bushes. I am going to look up into a blue Florida sky and breathe in deeply. I am going to take my fifteen-year- old daughter on a mommy date to the movies and stay up late talking about boys and stuff. I am going to live.

Yes, there is a time for God led- grieving, time for tears, time for gulps of remembering and feeling a desperate longing for what my kids are missing. But none of that swirling emotion is what I stand on. About the only thing I can possibly stand on at this point is the truth of God’s word.

I don’t have an answer to a lot of life’s why’s, but I do know this: ‘I know in whom I have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which I have entrusted to Him for that day.” 2 Tim 1:17

I believe Him. He is able.

Because of those facts, we can go on. And live.

In Acts, Paul writes of his journey, “And so I go on, not knowing what will happen to me next but simply being led by the Spirit. Though hardships come my way, yet none of these things move me, neither do I count my life as dear…only that I might finish the race and complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace”. Acts 20:22-24

Wondering what your purpose is?

It’s right there in that last line- ‘that I might complete the task the Lord Jesus has given me, the task of testifying to the gospel of God’s grace’.

Precious sister, you’re still here.

Just by getting out there and living, you are fulfilling your God given destiny. Your very life is a testimony to the gospel of His grace.

Now go live it.

I Want My Mommy - Part 2

2010-06-14T12:39:00.000-04:00

So …there you are with all of that gushing grief. A day to remember when you lost someone wonderful. My mom had been gone for exactly one year. Ugh- hard to believe. What do you do? Some choices: 1) hide under the covers until the day passes. This option doesn’t work when there are little people under 18 in the house who still expect to eat breakfast and go to church and do normal life stuff. 2) Sit around and ‘remember’. Nope – this one doesn’t’ work either (see #1) Kids are kids and they are wired to LIVE! 3) Acknowledge the day in some real way but not wallow in the sadness of it all.

This seemed like our best option. And, fitting b/c I wanted to honor Mimi and she definitely was not a wallower (is that even a word?). So we decided to embrace the drama of the day with balloons and brownies. Next stop – Dollar Store.

On the way to the cemetery we shared some favorite Mimi stories. These all seemed to involve love and laughing and sewing and the smell of yummy things baking. Yay, Mimi, for this legacy. At the cemetery we released our balloons with a little prayer. Smiley faces and hearts floated away against a brilliant Florida sky. At just that moment, the chapel clock chimed the hour – Thank you Lord for that extra bit of drama! Being June in Florida we didn’t linger – it was 97 in the shade and we were DONE!

Later at home we made a double batch of brownies. My first inclination was to drown our sorrows in brownies and milk. After a bit of thinking/praying/crying I came up with the idea to bless someone else with these bits of deliciousness. We drove to the fire station and the guys were so surprised ! They had helped us many times when Mom would fall – it seemed fitting to give back on her day. After climbing over the fire trucks and hugs all around, we headed back to the car. There around the flagpole were about 100 Monarch Butterflies – Mimi’s favorite. How cool. How like God.

Balloons - $3

Brownies - $2.75

Butterflies- Free

Making a memory that will live on? Priceless.

I want my mommy!

2010-06-13T16:07:00.002-04:00

I want my mommy! This is the cry of heart today. One year ago today, we got the hospice phone call that my momma was gone. Hard to believe it’s been a year since I saw that smile and heard her sweet ‘hey baby’ or felt her hugs. Feeling like a disgruntled two year old I want to stamp my foot, with tears running down my cheeks and swollen eyes cry out – “I want my mom. I want my girls to have more time with their amazing Mimi. I want. I want. I want. More. But 12 months ago my momma crossed over into the hope of heaven and is now breathing freely, skipping instead of stumbling, doing what she was created to do with the One who loves her best . Sigh. I miss her so. How can we even take one breath on this earth without the hope of heaven? But because of hope, we can get up and feel the sun and live out the daily-ness with joy, regardless of our mood. Today I honor my mom. Cake baker. Dress sewer. Joy bringer. Laugh maker. Hug giver. She simply lit up the room when she walked in. Made you feel as if your phone call or visit was the most important thing in the world to her. As Audrey says- our Mimi could do anything! And she made us feel as if we could do anything as well- what a gift she had for encouragement! And since we are all still here, apparently God still has stuff for us to accomplish here on earth. Hey Mimi- you always said you were going to ask the Lord if you could zip open heaven and peek down to check on us. Sure hope we are making you proud. We’re doing fine, but we sure do miss you. Love you lotter and lotter, Danita .

Family Tree

2010-04-28T12:26:00.005-04:00

It was a simple 2nd grade project. Fill out your family tree and put pictures on the branches of all of your family members. Audrey worked at the kitchen bar while I finished the dishes. And then.... ‘Mommy?’... What baby?...‘Mommy, we sure do have a lot of dead people on our family tree. My world shifted. And the dishes/homework/bedtime express came to a screeching halt. How do you respond to a comment like that? Because her words were painfully true. Her daddy died 6 years ago when she was two. Her Mimi went to heaven last June. And her family tree is looking a little sparse. Added to the drama was the fact that we needed pictures of family members for this project. Not just the family members who are living and breathing, but all of the family members who had gone to heaven as well. So we spent the next hour sitting in the middle of the floor surrounded by shoeboxes, sorting through hundreds of pictures of happy family memories. There was laughter in the midst of the tears. Pictures of Dave with a laundry basket on his head, and of Mimi lying next to Goofy on the Disney cruise. And in between the sniffles we told stories. I love that Audrey’s teacher reinforced to the kids that your family is still your family, no matter if they have changed their address to heaven. Our family tree may look a little bare from this point of view, but it is rich with many memories and watered with the hope of heaven. It is so hard when we can’t ‘make it all better’ for our precious ones. So we simply cling to His promises and slap pictures on a tree and go to sleep thinking of those we loved so much.

Just Do It !!!

2010-04-19T10:08:00.005-04:00

Well, we did it! Kelsey and I went to Disney and ran the Princess 5 K with 5000 crazy folks in tiaras and tutus. And then life went on and I never posted about running the race. Doesn’t that happen a lot? We have great intentions and then things happen and we never get around to ……. And then it just feels like it’s too late. Guess what, girls? It’s never too late! As Nike says – Just Do It! Now, back to the race… We arrived at Epcot at 6:30 am in the freezing Florida dawn. Huddled together with our new-found friends seeking warmth and waiting for the sun to rise. Suddenly the stage lit up, the music began to play and thousands of gorgeous gals were dancing to the Black Eyed Peas- ‘I’ve got a feeling….’. The energy was electrifying. And my tired reluctant teenager was beaming J . When the gun went off, we shuffled in place, waiting for the folks ahead to get going and then…we were off! Through the parking lot around the back and entered Epcot somewhere around Mexico. The flowers were gorgeous; there were Disney characters on every corner cheering us on and helpful volunteers passing out water. I felt like such a ‘poser’! There we were, two non-runners, actually running a race! We were doing it- singing, laughing, encouraging others- running to the best of our ability. Just when you wanted to stop, there was someone smiling at you to go on! And then at the finish line, we ran through hundreds of cheering supporters and were greeted with a medal and a photo op. Kind of reminds me a lot of daily life, and our hope of heaven. ‘Therefore, since you are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, run the race that is before you….’ Hebrews 12:1 Here’s hoping you run your race with joy today…and smile at someone else along the way.

Freedom...

2010-02-17T12:57:00.007-05:00

I spoke on Freedom this weekend at the Awaken women’s conference,
freedom in living outside the boxes life has placed around you.
Freedom to live the life God designed us to live.

Spent the week feeling anything but free, as I filled out tax forms.
And checked that ugly 'box' marked widow once again.
But still knowing that He wants us to walk in His freedom.
Forgot my place in my notes,

misplaced the bookmarks I had made for the ladies
and had to use an upside down trash can for a podium.
Found later I had a bit of lipstick on my teeth.
Sigh. Will the humbling never end ????

I just have to giggle.

Driving home that night the accuser climbed up onto my shoulder and settled in for a chat.

"really...you really think they got it? you shouldnt' have said...you should have said...of course you know you

were nowhere near as effective as ..... and what about ??? that was ridiculous!!!....she had such a better word than

yours...and more clever stories to go along with it....what in the world to you

think you were doing speaking on freedom?....and on....and on and on....."

And I am struck again by the poisonous 'after-words' of afterwards...

After God speaks to us, the enemy just never gives up trying to take away our treasure.

So if I am feeling this, I'm pretty sure at least some of our 250 ladies are feeling a little bit of the same, and he is busy whispering to the rest of God's girls as well.

Spent the ride home praying for my sisters and in the intercession there was release.

“ …and they overcame the accuser by the blood of the Lamb and the word of their testimony” Rev 12:11

He is victorious. And in that, we are FREE.

Free to accept His life changing love.

Free to tell somebody else.

And in the telling…we overcome.

What a great plan!

Princess preparation :)

2010-01-14T11:15:00.002-05:00

Ok – I get it. Everywhere I turn, everyone I talk to, there is a theme…running! My good friends, Chip and Marna, just completed the Disney Marathon and Half-Marathon in record freezing temperatures. Woohoo to them! My forever friend, Kimmy, is training to run the Honolulu Marathon. Keep in mind – she is a recent widow, breast cancer survivor, and would rather be on the couch washing her Slim Jims down with Coca Cola. ( Her blog is signed ‘gotta run’-check it out on my bloglinks.) I open my Bible and what verse jumps out? ‘Run the race with joy;! Open my favorite devotional and what’s it about? The obstacles we face in persevering in our faith race. I get it, I get it, Lord. It’s time to lace up my shoes and get out there. For discipline. For solitude. Because I can. So, I am officially a ‘princess in training’. LOL. I signed up to run the Disney Princess 5k (a girl has to start somewhere!) in March. Went out Monday morning in frigid Florida to get started. Walk a minute, jog 90 seconds, walk a minute, jog 90 seconds. Hey, I can do this! 10 minutes later my side aches, my feet hurt and my breath comes in ragged gasps. (Apparently you shouldn’t go from Christmas cookies to race training with no middle ground.) But I will continue on, one step at a time. Persevering through the pain. Avoiding the dog poop. Knowing He is with me, just like life.

If you give a mom a minute...

2010-01-11T10:40:00.001-05:00

You know that kids book 'If you Give a Mouse a Cookie'? My morning

felt an awful lot like that......

If you give a mom a minute,

She’s going to sit down and make a list of things she needs to do,

If she sits down at the kitchen table to make a list,

She’ll see the cereal bowls from breakfast and put them in the sink.

When she puts them in the sink,

She’ll notice that someone left the milk out and will put it back in the fridge

When she opens the fridge,

She’ll see a card from the dentist stuck on the door,

When she reads the card,

She’ll look over at the calendar and realize the appt. is TODAY!!!

She’ll pick up the phone to call the dentist to tell them she forgot and needs to re-schedule b/c her child has piano lessons today.

When she picks up the phone to call, the handset will feel all sticky and she will need to get some paper towels and disinfectant cleaner to clean it off (it feels like peanut butter!)

When she goes to the laundry room to get the cleaner,

She’ll see the washer is full of clothes that she washed last night and forgot to put in the dryer. (then she will have to sniff them to check if they are mildewyish- yea, they’re not!)

She’ll start to put the load in the dryer and realize there are already clothes in the dryer.

She will get the clothes out of the dryer and toss them on the bed to fold.

Just as she starts folding the clothes, the phone will ring.

She’ll walk all around the house before finding the phone…in the teenager’s bedroom.

The ringing phone has stopped, and she’ll walk into the kitchen to return it to its cradle.

On the way there, she’ll notice the dog hasn’t been fed.

She’ll feed the dog, return the phone to the cradle and stand in the kitchen.

‘Why did I come in here,?’ she’ll wonder.

She’ll see the laptop on the counter…and sit down to check e-mail, just for a minute!

One hour later, she will pry herself away from Facebook, finish folding laundry, start the dishwasher, and race out the door…because she only has a minute to get to work!

2010-01-11T10:07:00.000-05:00

The Box Marked Widow...

2009-11-09T10:58:00.001-05:00

What does your box say?
We can easily live our lives safe within a box – a box with labels plastered outside – some are labels that life has put on for you, some are labels that you have stuck on yourself. The box comes with you. It frames how you look at yourself.
It frames how you look at others – go on, try it. Go grab a medium size box, cut a hole in it and stick your head through. Now try and get a good look at something on either side of you – what do you see? The sides of your box.
It’s not comfortable. It’s not pretty. It’s not you.
But right now, it’s all you have.
What does your box say? Lonely. Depressed. Abused. Single. Unhappily married. Afraid. Divorced. Infertile. Exhausted mama. Stressed. Breast cancer. Ashamed. Hopeless. Not only does it affect the way you see the world, it affects how everyone else views you.
My box says widow. Single mother. Orphan. Lonely.
When my husband died 5 years ago – the hardest thing for me to get used to was the ‘box marked widow’. I must have filled out 500 forms during the paperwork process, and on every one had to check that box for marital status. Widow. Widow. WIDOW!!! This word was (is) hard for me to embrace.
The government had decided this was my label. My bank. My doctor’s office. My kid’s school. My tax returns. Over and over again I was forced to check the box marked widow.
I wanted to scream – this is not me! This is not who I want to be. I want to be wife. Partner. Helpmate. Sister. Daughter. Mother . Friend.
The bad news is, this is not a place where you will find the ‘answer’ – that I have come up with the secret to embracing the box marked widow. However – I can share with you God’s faithfulness in two very specific ways…
One – he has mentioned me specifically by name. In His word. A lot. Oh, yea. I love when the great I AM mentions who I am. Apparently, widows and orphans are precious to His heart. (
Two – Every time I put a check in that box, that widow box, I make a tiny ‘n’ in between the ‘I’ and the ‘d’ - and poof! Widow becomes window. ‘Cause if I am going to check that box, I want it to say something more than just my marital status. He has given me the ability to share of His amazing faithfulness over the past six years. To share my testimony over cups of coffee and government counters and carpool drop-offs. And hopefully to shine my story so that He is reflected through me. Sometimes through laughter and sometimes through tears. But still shining. It says in the word that ‘they overcame by the blood of the lamb and the words of their testimony.’ Jesus has already done the work of redemption in our lives. We have the opportunity to use our words to affect many. But it’s hard to do from inside a box.
And you know, boxes just aren’t real shiny. They are dull and brown and confining and usually pretty darn unattractive. But windows – they reflect and shine and frame what is inside.
You can’t change your labels. Sometimes life just is what it is. But you can decide to look at the box life has placed you in through His eyes. And stick on His labels over the ugly ones. You are….Adored. Treasured. Hope-full. Grace-full. He can work His purposes through the ‘ugly’ that has labeled your life. He’s promised it. Go on and find five verses that tell who you are in Him. Put His labels on over the world’s attempt to define you! And then go tell somebody. ‘Cause when they look at you shining, they’re gonna wonder what’s up!

Point of View

2009-11-05T09:15:00.000-05:00

When you momma asks you to do something, you simply do it – especially if that same momma is in a hospital bed in her bedroom struggling for breath from a terminal lung disease.
When we moved the hospital bed into my mom’s room, it faced the side window – which looked out on the neighbor’s peeling stucco wall, complete w/ nail scars from old hurricane shutters. I hated that she had to look at that every day – Mom jokingly asked if maybe we could paint the neighbors wall. Determined to change her view – I went out to alter the situation. Tried hanging a planter- too heavy. Tried moving potted plants in front – too short. I even thought seriously -for about five minutes – about painting the neighbors wall. (I’m stubborn that way.)
Walking back into the house – my heart was so sad. ‘Why, God, why?”
“ Why does my mom have to suffer from this disease?, Why does she have to be bedbound at 70 years old, struggling to breathe? Why has she gone from capable and creative and energetic and engaged to plucking at the covers on her bed in nervous frustration? Why does she now have to look at ‘ugly‘all day?”
As I walked back into the house, I noticed a small stained glass hanging on the entryway glass. And some crocheted snowflakes on the kitchen window, attached with a small suction cups. I grabbed them both and then walked through the living room, picking up a cute figurine, a stained glass bible verse plaque and a small flower arrangement. I arranged it all in – and on- my mom’s window and suddenly in front of the ugly, there was a kaleidoscope of color.
‘That’s better’, she sighed in relief, ‘Now I have something pretty to look at.’
I couldn’t do a thing about my mom’s view. She remained bedridden. The neighbor’s wall remained ugly and peeling. But while we couldn’t change her view, we could change what she chose to look at.
My sweet mom couldn’t do a thing about her diagnosis…neither could I. But, maybe, just maybe we could ask God to give us His perspective and choose to find something lovely to look at. Like the amazing hospice nurses who showed up daily with smiles and enthusiasm. The church ladies who brought meals. The fact that there was no pain. And the time we had been able to spend reminiscing and laughing about family stories.
There is always something to be thankful for…I guess it all depends on your ‘point of view.’

Just look at the ones that are lit!

2008-12-03T10:00:00.000-05:00

One of the best inventions EVER is the pre-lit Christmas tree. Three poles inserted into each other, three plugs to put together and 'ta-da', you have instant, perfectly symmetrical white light Christmas glory! This is enough to make the angels sing... no more arranging lights and poofing branches to make it look even. (can you tell that this girl is a bit of a Christmas light perfectionist?)
Anyway, there we were, my two girls and I, the day after Thanksgiving, putting up the tree. Three poles inserted. Check. Three plugs put together. Check. Ta-Da? Nope. Not even close. More like, 'oh, no!'. There in the lower center of our white light perfection were four dark rebellious branches. We jiggled them. We tested bulbs. Nothing. I was bummed. I was frustrated. I just wanted a moment of Christmas perfection. My thirteen year old stood back from the tree and squinted, tilting her head. 'Hey, Mom', she said. 'I know...don't look at the dark branches, just look at the ones that are lit.' So I did. Wow. When I concentrated on the lights, I didn't even notice the area of darkness. Great Christmas tree advice- but even better advice for life. Look to the lights in your life instead of the things that are dark right now. We all have 'dark' stuff. Things that we just can't fix. But there are almost always more things that are bright and can be counted as blessings. My dark branches are widowhood, family health stuff and financial challenges. If I stare at them, it can be overwhelming. But shining bright are God's amazing faithfulness, the love of my family and great friends. Flavored coffee, fluffy pillows and chocolate chip cookies...and the list goes on and on...
Have you looked at your bright lights today?

Be Still ... and Know

2008-09-09T13:57:00.000-04:00

My kids are back in school- 8th and 2nd grade. Most asked question: “Sooo… what are you doing now that the kids are in school (that question is usually right on the heels of ‘soooo, are you dating yet?) And the answer to #1 is I am in a holding pattern – kind of a seek and find wait and see mode. All of the possibilities – bible study, volunteering, subbing, a new freelance gig – have been shut down. And, apparently I am learning to sit and be quiet and wait. Not dive feverishly into a bible study, not gather with close friends to prayer over life’s concerns, Not to keep busy on ‘busyness’. Not even to pour out my own stuff at his feet. But to ‘be still and know’. Become a human ‘be-ing’ instead of a doer. Now, to hammer this point home, I received the same verse in an online bible study, from a good friend, from a relative and on a plaque as a gift. It would appear that this is a lesson that needs learning. BE STILL AND KNOW THAT I AM GOD.
Be Still - stop working, stop striving, stop playing Wac-A-Mole with all of life's demands. This is VERY hard for my sanguine type A self.
I am also learning to curb my cell phone/internet dependency issues. Augghhh! It is so easy to pick up the phone while driving. To find someone to react with you over an injustice or a concern or a situation. I am learning to just be quiet, sometimes to even turn off good Christian radio to just be quiet in those times of driving. Being a huge visual and somewhat dramatic…I even added a new contact to my cell phone directory. There between Jenny and Julie I put in ‘Jesus’. Yep, right there in black and white, Jesus appears in my contacts. I have even held the phone up to my ear as I poured out my heart to him while driving, a tangible evidence of the fact that He is always available and hears me when I call. I love that about Him!
Faith-fully being still…

F.O.D.Sweeps and the 'Ten Second Tidy'

2008-06-19T09:28:00.000-04:00

We have a thing in our house called the 10 second tidy - apparently that phrase is from one of my daughter's old favorites 'The Big Comfy Couch', a kids show about clowns that is only slightly annoying to moms :) . The premise of the 10 second tidy is this: Mom was going crazy with the living room clutter from the day (it's called a living room for a reason!) , you know the stuff I mean; shoes and pony tail holders and drinking cups and markers and DS chargers and one sock? and a Barbie dress and a stack of books balanced precariously on the side table. All of which is a a pretty discouraging sight to greet you first thing in the AM. So in order to avoid one more Mommy morning meltdown, our pre-bedtime routine now includes the 10 Second tidy - close it, put it where it belongs, throw it away, and so on. While tidying last week, I was reminded of a thing called the FOD sweep that they used to do on my hubby's aircraft carrier. Since planes land and take off on the runway of the ship, it has to be spotless. So before flight operations, 50 sailors would stand shoulder to shoulder and walk the length of the deck, lookng down all the while. Anything on the deck and to be removed - paper clip, styrofoam cup, pen lid.
Even a tiny piece of paper could get sucked up into the jet engines and cause a problem. They call this a FOD sweep which stands to foreign object debris. So..back to the landing deck of my living room. Our 10 second tidy is basically a FOD sweep from the drama of the day. And allows us to start the morning fresh and uncluttered.
Last night, I had to do a FOD sweep and 10 Second tidy on my heart. Unkind words from a friend had cut me to the core- I had littered my heart with the debris of ugly thoughts and my personal pity party had left a lot of party trash lying around. I needed a specific time of walking around my heart and asking the Lord to forgive me and to help me pick up the ugly and replace it with His thoughts. Otherwise all that debris could definitely get sucked up into my tomorrow and cause unecessary of damage to those around me. Clean house, clean heart - two of my favorite things- woohoo!
Psalm 19:12, 14 'How can I know the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults. My the words of my mouth and the meditations of my heart be pleasing to you, O Lord my Rock and my Redeemer.'

Flat tires and chocolate squares

2008-04-17T10:03:00.000-04:00

So there we were, single mom and two girls, stranded after church with a big fat flat tire on the minivan, hungry, late for a birthday party and wondering what to do next. Along came Royce to the rescue (the man has a huge Cadillac with a trunk full of stuff to handle any crises from flat tire to removal of your appendix). He fired up his trusty plug in air compressor and filled us up right there in the church parking lot. Blowing kisses and waving thanks we raced to Wal-Mart, dumped the van at the Auto center and ran in to buy the birthday gift for above mentioned party. We were still late and definitely still hungry. Trying to stay ahead of the stress I suggested playing the thankful game as we headed to the checkout. OK girls, waht can we find to be thankful about in this situation. Kelsey (age 13) went first. 'Well, Mr. Royce was right there and at least our car wasn't stranded beside the road somewhere'. Audrey (6) - 'I found some crackers in the backseat to eat while we wait' (she is always hungry) . Me - well, we made it to Wal-mart and have the money to get the car fixed and buy this birthday gift. Thank you Lord for providing for us.' As we turned the corner by cosmetics, a sweet lady stopped us: 'Excuse me, would you girls like some chocolate?' I did a double take. Yep, it was true. She was wearing her Walmart blue smock, giving out sample squares of Ghiridelli chocolates right there in front of the pharmacy. (Did I mention we were hungry?) How cool is that! Felt like a tender kiss on the cheek from my sweet Jesus. The moral of the story? Stuff does happen - bad stuff, frustrating stuff, impossible to believe stuff. But if we can somehow choose to look to Him, the maker of all things, He is ready, willing and able to show himself right in the midst of the days drama..and to give you some chocolate right when you need it most!

Brand New Blog

2008-02-21T12:20:00.000-05:00

So...apparently the whole whole is doing this 'blogging' thing except me!
Thought I'd jump in and give it a try. Woohoo!
Deep things on my mind at this moment:
1.the grocery shopping is done for another week (hurray) and while doing the above, I discovered BRAND NEW cherry flavored M & M's. Loving them. I broke open the package at the check-out and shared with all of the cashiers and bagging help. It was a sweet moment. (hah!)
2. My six-year-old rode her bike without training wheels yesterday. Why does my mind automatically go into fast forward - in just ten years she'll be driving a car?!! She started off on the grass and with a few wobbily runs with her middle age momma holding on to the back of the seat, she was ready to go. 'Don't let go, mommy, don't let go', she squealed as I panted to keep up while running in a half/crouched position. So, I did what all good parents do at these life-changing moments. I let go and she rode off without me, sure that I was still holding on. 'Mommy, I'm doing it, I'm doing it !', she shrieked. Ride on, baby.
Cherry M&Ms and riding without training wheels. Life's simple pleasures.